Monday, October 6, 2014

The loss

My gut takes a hit and turns over onto itself.
A rolling sick twist that kicks all these feelings I’ve buried deep down right back up into my chest, the last place where I want them.  That is the horror of this awful thing, that it poisons the good, it tarnishes the once golden, and those memories you looked on to bring you the strength you so desperately need right now, just bring you to your knees in pain.  A sick sad reminder of what you will never have a chance at again.  This.  Is.  Loss.

There is something very human about letting loss take its toll on you, to let the sick wild fever run its course and make you heave up all night in an anxious sweat that does not take a break, despite how loudly your body is begging for rest from these sleepless nights.  But like any fever, any awful sickness you catch out in this cold dark world, it has to run its course, and each day has to start with a step towards a day where the sun will finally decide to come out and remind you of why we let ourselves go out into these dangers places.  Without this, without hope, there is nothing but a consuming darkness that will let us destroy ourselves in its cloak, or find sad comfort away from the light we all deserve to fight for.


But still, the fever rages on…  No amount of logic you can throw at it will find you safe quarter, it will find its way into your day and remind you of its pain, and that for a long time there will be no escaping its awful face.  This is the terrible battle we live between the two sides of ourselves, the bad and the good, the sad and the delightful, they are constantly tearing us between their grasp, and as familiar as the struggle is, it takes its toll on us and it doesn’t take long to just stop caring which side wins, just as long as you can finally have one or the other...

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