Gone

My heart doesn’t just break…

It is obliterated, atom by atom, a while hot searing light permeates every depth of my soul and leaves not even ash to lay somewhere in sentiment.  As if it never existed, all that I’ve thought is false, gone, and the life I have been living is not one I understand anymore.  Like a terrible nightmare that I cannot wake up from, each time I think I escape it for a moment, when sleep is kind enough to bring its silent night and let me fall into a sea of awful dreams and a battlefield I wish not to go back to again.  Each day I wake up, I remember where I am, alone, lost, cold, not any closer to finding an answer or rational for why this might be ok, why going on even makes sense anymore.

Times like these people would tell me to just “keep going on, take it one day at a time.”  But how many days do we wait, how many of these unfair mornings do I subject myself to?  How many mornings to I wake to an anxiety that makes me sick to my stomach before I can even think of the reality I am waking up to.

How many times can I say it?  In how many different ways can I tell you that I miss you?  I have lost the stars in my sky and the way to my heart.  I have watched the sun set and has yet to come back up for me even though its been days since I’ve seen it.

Every night I rest my head, I try to get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach, the knowing, the not knowing, the constant wonder of direction and purpose.  Asking what tomorrow will bring and how I am going to find my way again.  These are the things that keep me up at night, that keep me wondering what the future holds.  

The road ahead is dark, its lonely, it is terrifying.  But I walk.  I walk because I have no choice, I walk because of those who have taken this road before me, and the stories they have brought back with them. 

This is the only salvation I can hope to find for myself, that someday I will come back down this road to the place I once stood, the place where it does’t hurt to just be, the place where I finally belong…