Tuesday, November 20, 2012

White Lies - Date Unknown


I tell her a lie to indulge her sensibilities.
Something to hold the questions at bay long enough for me to think of something to say.  The days are hard enough as is, and now isn’t the time to burden her with the awful truth.  Though I’m sure she’ll be furious with me for not telling her sooner, she’ll also know why it was probably for the best, after all, there are some things that are just belter off unseen.  That’s the world we live in, and some of us have to bear the burden of witness, the whole truth and nothing but…
The others, those who can’t stomach it, we do our best to hide them from the abyss, the void that goes so deep it stares straight back into you.  It’s not a matter of if they can handle it or not, it’s more about holding hope that some of us can grow up and live in a world without having to know the terrible price it comes at, having to see the truth behind these walls.
It’s not like it used to be, these are no longer matters of choice, we do this because there’s no one left who can, and unlike those who can keep running with their backs turned on the world, we can’t go quiet into that good night, we cannot give up without a good fight…  Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I’ve already lost everything and that this struggle is all I have left that I haven’t given up on or had taken away from me.  Maybe that’s why I lie to her, because I can’t stand to see what little innocence we have left to be taken away by this, just another casualty of war….
This shelter I try to keep over her head is a reminder of the way things should be, and how much they’ve changed in so little time.  Even with all the doom and gloom in my heart, I never thought we’d turn on each other so quickly and so viciously.  Our only saving grace was my equal viciousness in holding on to what was really keeping us going.  Not just the food or the water, but a reason, a hope, a way out.  Anything that came between us and that saw just how awful and ferocious a man can be when he’s backed into a corner.  It’s that same panic that I’m feeling now as I try to figure out our next move, how we’re going to find our way out, and how much longer I can keep lying to her until I finally need to tell her the truth…

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