leftovers - date unknown

I’ve lost so much time.

When I really start to think about it in depth, that old panicked compulsion starts to rise through my veins and work its way to the heart.

But this time I know a little bit better.

So while I still can, I get a hold of myself and do my best to remember the truth of the matter.  That no matter how much time you lose, as long as you still have air in your lungs, you can still do something about it.  The real trick is not forgetting that.  Because sometimes the important things slip and you’re left walking down old roads you told yourself not to go down before.  It becomes a lovely manic dance, between a moment of elation, and a perceptual eon of sorrow.  But it is lovely, and all the glitter and glam is just enough to distract you for the one second it needs. 

Then… Poof.. It’s gone

I have no idea how long I’ve been dancing around like this, because it is a thief of time, that’s how stays unnoticed.

I’m not sure exactly what it was that broke the trance for me, and even now I still cannot remember exactly how I got myself out of there.  I suppose all that really matters is that I got out.  But still, I have all kinds of hooks left in me, if I’m not careful and let them get tugged on again, I might end up right back in that same place, doing that same dance.

There’s no doubt that something very serious has changed in me.  I was betrayed, stripped of everything they could take, but I would not accept defeat.  There was only one way that I could win over them, and that was to kill everything inside of myself that I was afraid to lose.

So the killing began, and so did the mourning.

That was the part I did not expect, perhaps because I didn’t want to think they were things I’d miss, or perhaps merely by oversight.  Doing all that killing, it was easy.  What to do with the leftovers, that is a whole other story.

It is what it isn't - date unknown

There’s no hope in trying to scrawl my heart out into one sentence.

But I try anyway.

Knowing this, my hand trembles at the implications.

But I try anyway.

No matter how many days pass by, I cannot shake the feeling that something has been taken away from me.

Not just her, but the world, it’s nature, the way it was supposed to be  This is why I walk on, because I know this isn’t the way things should be, and like a great man once said “life will find a way.”

Blindly I march through these lands unable to see the horrid truth around me.  It’s a saving grace though, and my only chance if I have any intention on finding an answer to these things crawling around in my gut.

That right there is when people start to lose themselves. 

When they stop listening to the scary voices, when they look over the most obvious and terrifying of questions. 

This is how we lose our way, to fear and his perfect cloak of darkness, and this is the way it has always been…

For me, it’s different, because I’ve already called him out for what he is. 

A fucking coward and a liar. 

A weak pathetic scoundrel who hides behind a veil of influence, shrouded in ignorance and excuse. 

It sickens me to see how many he took from us, and all the ones still caught up dancing around in his game.

But he doesn’t have me, and I made sure he knows that.  

Once and a while he sends his henchmen my way, and when they cross my path, I send them right back to him. 

In pieces.

I’ve put fear into countless men’s eyes before they died, with good reason of course.  I wanted them to see the ruthless fuck they worked for, and not even their service to him would spare them his wrath.  Pain can be a beautiful thing when it becomes this useful, especially when you can turn it on the world that has come to hate you so much.  When there’s no escaping it, you have to stop trying and survive until the way out becomes clear.  Too many times I’ve seen good men die for sticking their heads out too soon.  Stuff like that stopped bothering me a long time ago.  If I held onto it, I’d end up just as fucked as the ones I saw who couldn’t deal with the reality that had been brought to our feet.  Though I always tell myself I’m smarter than the rest, I can’t help but feel if it’s getting closer to my day to join them.  When thoughts like those creep in though, that feeling in my gut is there to kick in, and it reminds me that I cannot let it win.

Not over me, and not after all I’ve been through. 

No matter what, I will take back what has been taken from me, even if it means taking back my own death.