Victory

They screamed out into the night with not a care for all the things that were hiding in the dark, because tonight they were drunk on victory and they were the ones who were to be feared.

Times like these we forget the lessons of hubris and lose ourselves in what it means to feel alive again, nights like tonight we celebrate a moment without fear, a moment without the constant eye out for consequence.  Its nights like this that come once in a life time, and these days, lifetimes ain’t what they used to be.  I know that when the sun comes up, and tomorrows coming cannot be postponed any further, we’ll have to leave this victory where it belongs.  

When the worst is always in front of you, even a glimmer of the way things used to be is worth betting your life on, and despite all the misgivings in my heart, this bet paid off.  I wish you could have been here to see it.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look of the fire in their eyes, like a million year old crime finding justice for the first time.

The Stir From The Deep - Date Unknown

I saw love in their eyes tonight and like some old forgotten language, I could only catch the gist of what they were conveying between one another.  Those old feelings do not take much to muster though, and before I knew what was going on, I was wrapped up in memories of you and the times when we looked at each other the same way.

That was a long time ago, far past needing to be remembered.  You don’t get to chose what sticks around though and there are some things that you just can't shake off. For me, she will probably always be one of them, “The one that got away” they used to say, an old tragic cliche.

At the end of the day, I get it.  I know why thing are the way they are, and even better than that, I know I cannot change the things I would like to.  But that’s the life we live, our only choice in the face of this is to make something of the things that we can still change.  If there’s one place you can look to find this, it’s inside of yourself.  That is a scary journey to take though and even I find myself a coward in times when I should show the bravery my mother used to speak of.

Tragedy is like gravity, it has no morals, and it claims the young and the old alike. It is always waiting around the corner, and he's an unpredictable beast who has no regard for your life when it’s moving along well.  When you’re up against such relentless enemies, you must be just as relentless yourself, even in the face of the most hollowing of sights.

This is where so many people lose their ground, when they are not willing or able to do what it takes, to bear witness to the reasons why fear lives in our hearts.  It is no surprise that their stomach turns so easily at the sight of it, this isn’t the way things are supposed to be after all.  The few of us who can bear the burden of the horror, we lead the scared and weak through the dark with their eyes shut tightly.  Like terrified children they don't stand a chance without a hand to guide them through it.  I know I can't save them all.  Losing her taught me that.  I do what I can though, and no matter what that must be enough.  If it is not, well, then none of us stand a chance out here.

There's a sediment of my love that has been stirred by the look they have for each other.  It’s another reminder among few, another reason why we resist, why we keep this fight going, and why I try to save as many of them as I can.  I have no doubt I try so hard because I could not save her, and every hand that takes mine to find a way out, I cannot refuse.  When our wars are over, there will need to be someone left behind to learn all the lessons it had to teach us.  Otherwise this, all this fades into vanity and nothingness.  Part of me cannot live with that, and though I know that could change any day, I will not stop.  I will not let this fade without a fight for my life.  Even though it may just cost me that, I’m ok with that.

The Meaning - Date Unknown

For a long time now all I have seen down the road ahead is doom and gloom.
With good reason of course.
After all we’ve done to each other, all the awful plans we had in store for one another, how can you blame me?  The future has been bleak at best, and that’s a hard tomorrow to walk into.  But hope lies in the step we take into the unknown, the choice we make to shatter this dark future.

Those who work so hard to hide our salvation always do so behind curtains of fear and certain death.  They aren’t fools after all, they know it works every time.  Too many have been brought up to think their strength lies somewhere outside of themselves.  Many fall victim to these clever tricks and go through life with empty hearts.  I used to see them passing me every day, their sleeping souls floating behind those thirsty glassy eyes.  

Things change though.  Even the big stuff we think will always stay the same.  It is in this where I find my solace, my comfort in a hope for hope.  If this is not a reason to endure, I know not what else could be.

That has been the trick this whole time.
So many people immediately brandished the most violent lashes of their force.  But no one can keep that up forever.  Our enemy isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and his best accomplice follows you wherever you run to, because it hides in you.  The damage is always two fold when you do battle on your own ground, all the victims and pitfalls of its course sink into the mud and permeate the earth of our hearts.  The aftermath stays around long after the rain does its best work, and our scars bear a constant reminder to how deep their hold is on us.

I’m not special, I’ve never thought that somehow I’d end up where I am today.  All I know is that I’m here whether I like it or not, and these days ahead are mine to make.  You have to be patient though, and you must endure.  Fear and horror are the campaigns of their war on us, those who cannot stand the sights of them cannot stand against their tyranny over the human spirit.  That is what this is about after all, holding onto the purest forms of the human condition in an attempt to keep the candle lit as we march through the dark.  Sometimes this means bearing witness to the awful stuff.  After all, someone has to, otherwise it will fade into vanity, a shame indeed.

This has always been our struggle, to bring meaning into this world and nurture it into something that can pass itself on.  We’ve always come up with the cleverest ways of doing this, in the face of everything we've done, we’ve still carried our stories through time. 

As insurmountable the odds seem, nothing’s changed. We’ve always been up against the end, it has just never been so pronounced as it is now.  I’ve seen the weak ones let it rattle their resolve, but those of us who know what’s at stake here, they hold their ground like it’s the last piece of the world they can call their own.  I know that for better or worse, I have no choice but to push on and do the only thing it is I know.

Keep this alive.

The Simple Stuff - Date Unknown

It’s the sad songs we always seem to dance to.

As lovely as that is, even in the undeniable grace of our practiced steps we can’t deny the tune of our hearts beating in unison.  There seems to be no hope in the things I hope for, the ground we’ve rooted  ourselves in is cold and void of the rich life I thought that I tasted on your lips.

I’m not sure what it is about the song of sorrow and its power to bring us together, but I cannot deny the rhythm that it has us trapped in.  I’ve been dancing around for so long now that I’ve started to come to my senses.  We always promised it would never be like this, that nothing would ever let us become so lost.  Now I know, keeping that promise is breaking me, and it is destroying both of us in the process.

Too often we’re willing to charge into certain death just to prove a point.

That’s a great way to get yourself killed, but it’s no way to see something through until the very end.  I have never been content with unfinished business, this is no exception.  I know that I can’t go on anymore carrying your name and all that it means to me.  Instead I have to remember my own reasons for doing this, for going on in the face of everything.  There’s no way I will ever forget you, but much of the memory will have no choice but to slip away.

I suppose that’s one of the catch 22’s that have snuck up on me.  The choices are becoming fewer and farther between.  As difficult as it is to have so much taken, you cannot deny the weight that becomes lifted, the burden of responsibility that vanishes, and how the world becomes so much simpler.  The wrath of the world has always brought us back to basics, but how quickly we can forget such reminders.

I wonder if it just got tired of us not listening, the world that is.  If it got tired of our narrow and impenetrable minds.

So it turned itself upside down and started to shake us off.

There’s no room for disbelief when the sky is falling, everyone runs for dear life.  The trick was giving us something we couldn’t run from anymore.  This didn’t stop people from trying, and they met their end with turned backs and the scent of a coward on their panicked breaths.  The only ones who were left standing were those who knew when to stand their ground.  Though many of them met death, at least they saw it coming and forced him to see the fire that lives in the hearts of men.

This is a long and lonely road.  Once you’ve gone down it enough, that hellfire that churns in a man’s heart is slowly smothered by the landscape of its mirror, the darkness.

We all have different reasons why we go on, why we fight like this, at the end of the day,they do not matter.  All that counts is the courage to walk into the dark.

I can still remember when I was a little boy and terrified of the dark.  I can still see all the horrors I imagined that were waiting for me in the blackness, all those nights I spent curled up in a ball under the blankets, a terrified prisoner of myself.  People rarely grow out of that fear.  Though they’ll never admit it, there is a darkness out there that still sends shivers down all of our spines, that makes us feel like that scared little child again.  This never changes, the only difference between them and I is that despite the terror that waits, I know the only way out of this is through that blackness.

You have to be careful with what you carry in with you and you must forget all that you’re afraid to lose.  Fear is loudest when it echos in the darkness, it never has to lift a finger, it knows our own destruction lies within.

For so long I had been lost in the dark, even now I still wonder if I really have cleared the boundaries of its grasp.  Lost in there I found something very few people do a second chance, a future.
How could I pass that up?

People turn their backs on you all the time, there is no escaping that.  But what you turn your back on, that is a different story.  Too often people are in the clutches of the awfulness and they turn away salvation, hope, and promise.  Seeing one destroy himself is hard to bear, after all we’ve lost, to see us destroy ourselves is beyond shameful.  I always used to tell myself they didn’t know any better, but I know now more that never, that is no excuse.

The Odds - Date Unknown

There is nothing to be found in this world worth living for that does not demand sacrifice.  Many of us choose different things that we’re willing to give up or turn our backs on, but no matter who you are, the piper has to be paid.  

I myself am no exception to the rule, and there is so much that I have lost in the names I keep on the tip of my tongue.  These days there isn’t anything but time to waste thinking about all the choices that have brought me to where I stand right now, the journey with a dangerous path.

The road inside oneself is uncharted and treacherous, many find themselves lost forever, trapped in the never ending maze of questions.  Not many are brave enough to see what lives within, and when they finally do, the scare is enough to make anyone forget anything they ever saw or even worse drive them mad.  The brave ones, they have what it takes to look the devil in the eye and put him in his place.

Despite this, you can’t win all the time, and its days like these that make me question my resolve.  These days the battles are long, and they’re not over until they’ve taken every last ounce of your strength.  Going on in the face of this is quite possibly the definition of impossible.

It’s am impossible world we live in though, and it’s that fact alone that has kept me going throughout the whole ordeal.  If I hadn’t seen all the things I have up until now, this all might have ended for me a long very long time ago.  I’ve seen the odds beaten, the rules broken till they’re black and blue, until I can’t even tell if up is up or down is down anymore.  It’s in the face of this that one can hope to prove them all wrong.

The hit’s just keep on coming, and for so long this is something we’ve tried desperately to insulate ourselves from.  You can only deny such a truth for so long, eventually it will grow tired of your games and come knocking with full force.  I’ve known this since long before all this began, and I know it is one of the very few things I have left from the old world.  When you live on the run, there isn’t room for baggage of any kind.  I’ve spent all this time cutting parts of myself loose to make room for the more critical burdens.

It’s in this sea of loss here men lose themselves.

I cannot let myself be another one of them.

The Depths - date unknown

There is something missing, no doubt in that.
It is too easy to grab onto the reasons closest to you, the old obvious things that try to explain it all away in some cloud of rationalization.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t indulged myself.  In fact it’s because of those lost days, because of the millions of other things I could blame, that is how I have learned to know better.  I’ve never been one to worry about the others, the distant, the lost, but there have been moments when even I have tried to.

I know why she left me, there is no mystery in that.
But why I cannot admit it to myself, eludes me beyond reason.
There is no doubt things could have been profoundly different, but dwelling on that gets us nowhere towards tomorrow.  There is so little to be gained from the “what if’s”, too often life is squandered on such fruitless pursuits.  The treasures of the world were burned to distill the most pure meaningless indulgences.  This is the landscape I am forced to stare across every day.  An empty world with empty people.

There is no depth inside of themselves to dive into, no soul to immerse yourself in.  Only a hard shallow bottom which tactfully reminds you how painful it is to slam into. 
This is why, people, trust, love, are all leaps of faith into a hope there’s something waiting to embrace you, something to break the fall.
More often than not we jump like fools knowing full well what is waiting for us at the bottom.

Nothing hurts quite like a slam in the face when you’re not expecting it.
When you were sure this time would be different, and every fiber of your being is screaming for you to go for it.  Next thing you know you’re wondering how you got this bloody nose and why everything hurts worse than anything you've ever felt.

What happened to us was different.
There was nothing natural about it.
When I dove into her soul, I found a world I thought only existed in the most childish of storybooks.  The depths went on and on,the warmth of her heart kept me safe, and I felt like I didn’t have to come up for air days at a time. 

When I lost her, I felt the waters around me go cold.  In the most panicked of reflexes I tried to swim for the surface for air, but I quickly saw that it had iced over, and I’ve been trapped in the cold depths ever since.  Frozen in time and trapped in her loss.

I’ve given up on finding a way out at this point, because for so may reasons, things I’ve done, and mistakes I’ve made, I know hope abandoned me the day she did.  Still, I am trapped in a constant reminder of this, and I can never escape that.

Know your enemy - date unknown

I never thought I’d see a day like today, a day where things finally became so clear.  Though the vision they’ve crystallized into is horrific, at least I know what I am dealing with.
Knowing how bad things are is one thing.
It’s the not knowing that kills you.
The mystery that lurks behind fears shadow.
There are many times when I’ve been forced to endure that sentence with no hope of reprieve.  Eventually you learn to live with the holes left behind and carry on as if they’re a part of you. 
This has never sat well with me though.
I’ve never been content with such unfinished business.
So like all other things in this world, I’ve demanded more than the same old story.
Because after all I have been though, it is not enough to help me sleep at night.
They may sleep better than most, but the lull they’re caught up in is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, biding its time until the kill is sure.
I’ve seen too many go out that way. 
Though I’d like to say I knew better, the truth is I learned better.  It took time, but not much.  We didn’t have any to waste on examining the nature of things, only to dispense all the violence our bodies had to offer and grab anything in sight that could fill our bellies if only for a few moments.  Not even a second of rest was on our minds, let alone all we’d have to atone for once we realized how far this had taken us.  Now that I’ve had all this time to stew in my thoughts and have nothing but the flashbacks of terror to remind me what’s brought me here.  I think about all I would give to lose myself in the throws of pure uncomplicated battle.
I have no such luxury in this fight, for my enemy is a complex creature who holds nothing but contempt for my survival.  This foe I face has no intention on making anything easy on me. 
Part of me is thankful for the challenge, the other dreads the uphill battle to a certain and no doubt pointless death.
Too often I worry that all I have left is to protect purpose, to maintain the keepsake of our cherished nature.  It is a burden which weighs so heavy on me I am constantly breaking in all the wrong places.
I can remember how lonely I used to feel out in the wild.  How all I could think about what finding someone, anyone who could remind me that as bad as it seems, we’re never that lost, never that far from one another.  Eventually you get over it after seeing it time and time again, you see just how fucked up this has made people.  Doubt becomes removed, and “being better off without them” is the understatement of a lifetime.  The first step is to break yourself in, feel the hurt, and let the things you’ll never feel again die, so the rest of you can keep living, keep fighting, till  the end.  No matter what awfulness awaits.

grabbing on, and letting go - date unknown

As I am sitting beside this flickering candle, so my hopes continue to fade as the dying flame slowly burns out to it’s last breath.  I can probably make it through one more night of this, granted I make it through this one.
I fucked up.
I don’t know what I was thinking but now I am lost, out of food, and nowhere near anything I find vaguely useful to my survival.
These aren’t the times for dwelling on mistakes though.
The only way I have ever made it this far is by sending those thoughts right back where they belong and remembering why I walk.
I feel caught up in the constant struggle between the pull of fear and my promise.
This has become even bigger than that though, because the things that I carry inside of myself are the last of their kind.  And though I doubt I’ll ever find someone to pass them to who could carry them on, I will settle for dying knowing I gave them the best chance they had.  That in itself is what gives these things their essence.  The selfless pursuit of something greater than yourself.  Though this world has taken so much away from us, one thing it has left behind are plenty of good reasons worth dying for.
She was one of them.
My mother another.
The list goes on and on.
That’s the thing though.
No one is keeping track anymore, the score is a wash.  There is no point in pretending we’re even playing anymore because the game has changed, the only rule is, we’re not writing them anymore.
That is clear as crystal.
The biggest problem in the beginning was how people were not willing to let go of this misguided idea that they controlled a damn thing.  And that is why it was so easy for them to be over run and burned down from the inside.  I supposed what made me different is how quickly I saw it for what it really was.  Everyone else though took their time learning the hard things, but there aren’t anymore second chances left, we’ve been robbed of that luxury.  They learned this the hard way and died pointless useless deaths.
That was something I really had to get used to.
For so long it turned my stomach to see such a waste of our own salvation.
If there ever was any to begin with.
After all I have seen, I can only say that there isn’t, and as heavy it makes my heart, I know that even in the face of the most crushing defeats a man must stand in the face of certain death, dig his feet deep into his convictions and hold the only ground you have left to truly call your own.  If this is all I end up dying for, I’m ok with that.

leftovers - date unknown

I’ve lost so much time.

When I really start to think about it in depth, that old panicked compulsion starts to rise through my veins and work its way to the heart.

But this time I know a little bit better.

So while I still can, I get a hold of myself and do my best to remember the truth of the matter.  That no matter how much time you lose, as long as you still have air in your lungs, you can still do something about it.  The real trick is not forgetting that.  Because sometimes the important things slip and you’re left walking down old roads you told yourself not to go down before.  It becomes a lovely manic dance, between a moment of elation, and a perceptual eon of sorrow.  But it is lovely, and all the glitter and glam is just enough to distract you for the one second it needs. 

Then… Poof.. It’s gone

I have no idea how long I’ve been dancing around like this, because it is a thief of time, that’s how stays unnoticed.

I’m not sure exactly what it was that broke the trance for me, and even now I still cannot remember exactly how I got myself out of there.  I suppose all that really matters is that I got out.  But still, I have all kinds of hooks left in me, if I’m not careful and let them get tugged on again, I might end up right back in that same place, doing that same dance.

There’s no doubt that something very serious has changed in me.  I was betrayed, stripped of everything they could take, but I would not accept defeat.  There was only one way that I could win over them, and that was to kill everything inside of myself that I was afraid to lose.

So the killing began, and so did the mourning.

That was the part I did not expect, perhaps because I didn’t want to think they were things I’d miss, or perhaps merely by oversight.  Doing all that killing, it was easy.  What to do with the leftovers, that is a whole other story.

It is what it isn't - date unknown

There’s no hope in trying to scrawl my heart out into one sentence.

But I try anyway.

Knowing this, my hand trembles at the implications.

But I try anyway.

No matter how many days pass by, I cannot shake the feeling that something has been taken away from me.

Not just her, but the world, it’s nature, the way it was supposed to be  This is why I walk on, because I know this isn’t the way things should be, and like a great man once said “life will find a way.”

Blindly I march through these lands unable to see the horrid truth around me.  It’s a saving grace though, and my only chance if I have any intention on finding an answer to these things crawling around in my gut.

That right there is when people start to lose themselves. 

When they stop listening to the scary voices, when they look over the most obvious and terrifying of questions. 

This is how we lose our way, to fear and his perfect cloak of darkness, and this is the way it has always been…

For me, it’s different, because I’ve already called him out for what he is. 

A fucking coward and a liar. 

A weak pathetic scoundrel who hides behind a veil of influence, shrouded in ignorance and excuse. 

It sickens me to see how many he took from us, and all the ones still caught up dancing around in his game.

But he doesn’t have me, and I made sure he knows that.  

Once and a while he sends his henchmen my way, and when they cross my path, I send them right back to him. 

In pieces.

I’ve put fear into countless men’s eyes before they died, with good reason of course.  I wanted them to see the ruthless fuck they worked for, and not even their service to him would spare them his wrath.  Pain can be a beautiful thing when it becomes this useful, especially when you can turn it on the world that has come to hate you so much.  When there’s no escaping it, you have to stop trying and survive until the way out becomes clear.  Too many times I’ve seen good men die for sticking their heads out too soon.  Stuff like that stopped bothering me a long time ago.  If I held onto it, I’d end up just as fucked as the ones I saw who couldn’t deal with the reality that had been brought to our feet.  Though I always tell myself I’m smarter than the rest, I can’t help but feel if it’s getting closer to my day to join them.  When thoughts like those creep in though, that feeling in my gut is there to kick in, and it reminds me that I cannot let it win.

Not over me, and not after all I’ve been through. 

No matter what, I will take back what has been taken from me, even if it means taking back my own death.

duh wuh duh - date unknown

It’s awful that we’ve let things get this bad, and the only thing that is more terrible than that, is how much worse it’s going to get.

I can see the road ahead with such clarity, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. 

I can tell you one thing, it is a horrible sight.

The darkness is always brazen with its plans.

The hubris it takes root in has no fear of us knowing its intentions.

It has no plan on losing to us.

That’s the problem with plans.

They’re meant to be undone by only the purest cleverness.

This is how men like me can keep walking into the lonely sunset.

This landscape of hopelessness.

It is because I know the impossible, can be done.

I know that even one man can claim victory over the armies of evil, and that is why men like me walk this path into the dark carrying the torch of our ruthless pursuit to prove it all wrong, no matter what the cost.

I’ll tell you, it’s a price we pay dearly and daily.

I’ve fought countless battles in the names of so many things, and at the end of all these days, none of it meant anything to me.

But this….

This, is something else.

This is me.

The struggle.

The Burden.

We carry these things like a camel, and even in the deepest of deserts we watch those around us shrivel and fade before we even break a sweat.

I know that there are too few out there willing to do what is right, and it is because I know this, that I have no choice but to pick up where the rest have left off.

My Best - Date Unknown

The best in myself is just that. 

My best.

If it weren’t for that, I’d be just as fucked as the rest.

I was lucky though, I came from good people who were sure to give me what I needed to get by out here.  The thing that I am carrying in myself is the best they had to give to the world.  And that is why I protect it with my life, because it is so much greater than all of us.  That seems to be the difference between us and them.  We are the ones who keep the good things alive, the things that are worth living for.  The rest?  They try to find power in something that isn’t real.  They are the ones who are doomed to destroy us every one of us in their futile quest to control it all. 

This is the great battle. 

The fight between the ones who die to keep something alive, and the ones who kill because they feel nothing for life.  It’s a fight that has been going on for longer than we’ve been around, and there’s no doubt in my mind it will wage on for long after we’re gone. But that doesn’t make our fight any less important, because we need every win we can get. 

I know that someday it will be over, and one of us will be standing on the right side.  Until then, the fight is on, and we press ahead hoping our faith is a better guess than theirs.  And hopefully when it’s the truths time to shine, he’ll shine on us.

no title - date unknown

I did what they were afraid to do.

It’s as simple as that. 

I’ve seen fears grace, and the places it takes you to.

They follow like sheep, herding together like scared little children, hoping their numbers can scare the bogyman away. 

They’re all fools.

He lives inside of them, and the more faces you bring together, the more shapes he can take. 

I have no delusions about myself, the same horrible thing could be just as deeply rooted in me, but at least I take it far away where it can’t hurt anyone.  I knew there was no hope in their futures, and unlike them, I wasn’t afraid to do what had to be done.

Their sense of safety is false, and they hubris they’ve built their wax walls out of is sure to fall when the truth comes calling.  I’ve heard it for a long time now, long before all this started.  This is just proof and truth of everything that I already knew.

That we’re fucked.

Candice - Date Unknown

She died in my arms.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

They used to say no one should ever outlive a child, but that’s a lie.

When we lose them, even to things less horrible than this, the pain is so immense and overbearing, it becomes a constant reminder to never let it happen again.  The sick part about it is the way the feeling starts to fade with every body we find left in this wake. 

How it slowly becomes “normal”.

That was the moment I realised things had really changed. 

When she died in my arms, and I felt nothing left for the spoil of a child. 

I knew right then, that there was no going back from this.

That the world truly became a different place and nothing about it was going to change anytime soon.

That is when the suicides started, when entire camps would fall to the ground, and like all their hopes, they’d drown in the mud and wait for decays sweet sick breath to take them away.  So much has been lost, and until now, the plan was to earn it all back, down to the last drop. 

What we lost though, was something inside of ourselves, something we can never have back.

Our search to fill our hearts with some kind of purpose is as pointless as the death of the girl that died in my arms.  The mistake we’ve made is looking for a point in this, some reason, an excuse to go on.

Sleeve Tricks - Date Unknown

I can’t say I’m surprised.  There’s no doubt in that.

The reality is I can’t say very much at all.

That being said, it’s not enough to calm the crashing tide of feeling that is churning around in me like an ocean of guilt.  I’m asking myself all the wrong questions.

“What could I have done differently?”

“Is this all my fault?”

These are the ramblings we find clutched in the cold hands of the dead.

They are nothing but a warning of where their path leads to.

It won’t be long until this reality finally hits me, but until then, I lose myself in a maze of sadness, so much so, I am reduced to the tears of a child.  The only vestige of comfort is in knowing it will not last, that sooner or later, I will come to my senses, and see this for what it really is.   Even with this hope buried deep in my heart, it’s hard to keep the cold out, and too often, I find myself holding my breath in fear of it being blown out, “gone with the wind” as they once said.  Like a sickness that passes with the days, so will this, and all these stupid useless questions will fade beyond memory.  For now I stay as strong as I can, knowing it will take all of me to make it through this. 

I let the fever run its course.

I indulge the delirium it brings with it.

And I wait.

For the calming darkness to come.

So I can find that glow inside of myself again, and find my way back to it.

The End - Final Entry - Date Unknown

The end is near.

I can feel it like a cold wind carrying the rattles of what’s to come. 

Whatever form it decides to take, I am ready for it. 

It has been far too long since I’ve felt anything this real, there’s no way I am turning my back on it.  After all, the greatest honour men covet is to meet their end face to face. 

For too long we’ve been robbed of that dignity.  

Too many have died face down in the mud. 

We spend our entire lives running from this, staying just far enough away so we don’t feel the electric tingle of its proximity.  The lucky ones, the ones ready to face it, they die on their feet, and I’ve never planned on doing it any other way. 

Lucky or not, I’ve earned this much. 

I owe it to myself to stop running and do what needs to be done. 

The hardest part has been coming this far, coming to the point where I can see with no doubt, how pointless this is. 

I’ve been fighting for so long, it is all I know, the idea of giving up has been so impossible. 

This isn’t about what I want anymore.

I’m ok with that.

So I plan on doing something about it.

Treasures - date unknown

There were problems right from the beginning. 

Signs that set off the gut you should have listened from the start.

No point in thinking about that now.  All that’s worth worrying about is our next move. 

We started with 25, there are 13 of us left. 

On our way back from the raid we got cut off by a horde 50 bodies thick. 

We had too many people with us.

I knew it was a fucking bad idea.

I tried to warn them, but we needed every hand we could get.

There was so much to carry, and we didn’t want to miss our chance before someone else cleaned it out.  But on our way back, while trying to go around the mass, we were hit with more runners than I’ve seen in years.

It took everything we had to put them all down. 

We were caught off guard and there’s no excuse of it. 

But those runners, there had to be almost a hundred, they were fresh, and they were fast.

The fight drew the horde and we had to make a run for it. 

That’s when people start to die.

When you run.

When you have no choice but to turn your back on a fight and run for dear life.  We made it back to some high ground and put distance between us and them.

But we lost everything we came for. 

We’re going to hold up for the night, try to make it back in the morning. 

But I don’t think anyone knows where the fuck we are, and I’ll be surprised if more than 5 of us make it back.

Ft Churchill - date unknown

I sat at the foot of her bed and smoked a cigarette. 
The end becomes something you think about more and more, while the reminders of hope come by less and less.  You might say, all that’s left is hope for an end, but even that in itself is misleading. 

An end has always been expected, but our expectations have been taken away. 

In the wake of all this, there is a void left behind, a chasm in which these thoughts plummet into, all in an attempt to satisfy its bottomless hunger.  All that is left is a restless wait for the unknown to cease, for rest from the fear of uncertainty. 

The problem is, people wait around thinking the end is going to fall onto their lap.   
That someday it will make its way around here. 

They wait for something that is never coming.  Because it is out there, in the world, waiting for us to find it. 

We can’t stay here. 

I know it won’t be long before others find this place. 

I’m not interested in sharing with anyone, because that gets you killed.   
They can have it all.  
We’ll take what little we need and be gone before they knew we were here. 

It’s so hard to think about these things while she lays there in the kind of peaceful sleep we used to enjoy before all of this.  I can’t remember the last time she looked so beautiful.
So happy.   
But we can’t stay, no matter how safe it is.  
As hard as I would fight to keep all of this for her, from what we’ve seen, it would take a small army to hold the whole place.  
As much as I want to give her a thousand peaceful nights of sleep, it’s not worth dying over.   
Clinging is what gets you killed.  
It’s the ones who can let go, cut and run, without hesitation. 
They’re the ones who live to see another day.

We only have two cigarettes left and I am planning on saving them until it gets cold or until things get bad.  
Everything else, we have plenty of.
We’re going to need all of it. 

It’s 50 miles until we get deep enough into the country, and that alone could take us up to a  month to travel at the rate we’ve seen.   
The city is lost, and the chaotic singularity that was born from it is starting to spill out. 

We have to stay ahead of them, and though that doesn’t take much, we’re only coming across more and more of peoples horrifying resolve. 

I will let her sleep one more night after this.

Then we have to leave.

The Fires - date unknown

His face was weathered and ashen and covered in the soot of what’s been burned.  Nothing but its dry empty remnants smudged under his eyes and pushed deep into the cracks in his face. 

“How many?” I asked him

“Too many, you’d better get out of here.”

He ran with the good instinct of the coward, so in form with the fool I kept following the howls. 

They had spent enough time getting ready, digging moats, stocking up on food and weapons. 

I never doubted they’d be able to put up one hell of a fight, but fallsview had it better.   
Everyone always used to talk about it like the last stand, the one place we knew we could fall back to and hold until the end of time.  When you get comfortable in these thoughts, you slip up… 

They had gotten comfortable, and each step I take towards them is another march into anxiety.

People already started to jump ship, and I can’t be sure she won’t be one of them.

The Dance - date unknown

Like all the rest, I am out here searching for a sense of peace from this. 

I’ve seen many go out in search for it and never come back. 

They only leave behind the kinds of legends that make us think somewhere out there, it’s waiting for us to find it. 

So we can finally breathe easy.

The sad things are always the simple ones. 

The very thing they are chasing after is the prison they’re doomed to live in. 

The only place you’ll ever find peace, is within yourself, and the idea that it is somewhere out in the world, that it’s not already a part of you, is a threat to it being found.  It’s the horrible dance that always keeps it out of our reach, yet it still keeps us dancing.