Monday, November 30, 2009

Fallsview

It took me 13 days to get to the falls.
Dennis had shown me the way there more than once.
But it was thick with corpses.
Not like anything I’ve seen since the beginning.
Took me 4 days to get around them.
Once I cleared the woods, I came into the field being overlooked by the wall of stone where they dug in.
No spotters.
No traps.
Only death and its awful litter.
I reached the base of the cliff-face and made my way up. 
By the time I reached the entrance, I could already see something had gone terribly wrong.  The only good thing about the smell?  It’s the warning of what lies ahead of it.  The awful part is the fear it carries on its breath, the cold shiver that reminds me I could be next.
I didn’t waste any time.
Everyone was dead, and if they weren’t.
Well.
I couldn’t be bothered to drag them back with me.
I didn’t even bother trying to find any supplies.
It’s been 20 days now, and I am almost back to camp.
The trails and ridges I scouted to carry me home are swarming now.
But I will make it home.
I have to warn them.
I have to get her out of there. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

no title - date unknown

We’ve been on the move for weeks now. 
Most of what we come across is a reminder of how bad this is. 
Seeing hundreds of years of hard work and collaboration torn down and burned to the ground.  Most of the places we’ve come across have been abandoned, left for dead like the rest. 
A few days ago we found a camp of about 15 people. 
As soon as we saw them, we knew they weren’t doing any better than the rest. 
A family, an old man, a young woman, a young man, the typical story. 
They were thin, hungry, some were sick, and they all had the grief in their eyes. 
Like everyone else we’ve come across they were in mourning. 
Mourning the loved ones hey lost, the world that was gone, and the way things were taken from us.  They had questions like everyone else.  “Who are you?  Do you know what’s happening? Got any food to eat?”  Our answers always fell short of their hopes.  Like them we we’re just trying to “get away” whatever the fuck that means.  And like most of the others, they were desperate.  Desperation is dangerous because it has no conscience.  It’s a cousin of the purest necessity and it can’t be trusted with the morals of man. 
We approached them with caution and told them the usual story.
That we knew nothing and were just like them. 
Looking for anything familiar, anything to eat. 
Like all the others they were conflicted, divided, arguing constantly in the chaos of what’s been left behind for us.  This one guy named Michael kept going on about how lucky the ones who died on the last day were.  How if he knew what awaited us he wouldn’t have bothered fighting.  More pointless bullshit, because at the end of the day he didn’t have the guts to let death into his life.  Then again, neither do we, so that night we abandoned them and kept moving away from the city.  I’m sure they won’t make it far.

shane - date unknown

I don’t trust him.
After a long night of arguing I finally convinced her I would give it a chance. 
Something is not right though, and I plan on saying whatever I have to in order to figure out what it is.  We’ve come this far and I can’t help but wonder if the isolation is finally getting to me, if maybe I can’t let my guard down and see this for what it really is.  But then in comes that screaming paranoia.
Reminding me how many times it has kept me safe.
How many times it’s been right.
How many times trust has been wrong. 
There’s a reason things are too good to be true though, and after everything we’ve seen, I’m not willing to let that instinct go so easily, not after all it has done for me. 
So I for now.
I will play along.
But I don't trust him.

It had to be done - date unknown.

Sometimes something happens to you and all the questions & uncertainties step aside so you can do what needs to be done.  All that confusion and worry just drains out and the weightlessness that ensues is a bizarre circumstance. 
Pinhole vision sets in and blocks out the periphery. 
The thing you’ve locked into is all that is left in the universe, and its draw is cosmic.  In the face of such clarity I had no choice but to give in, no choice but to let go and forget to think about what this would mean when it was over.  All that mattered was that it was done. 
I’m not a monster but what I did was nothing short of monstrous. 
They took my heart. 
So I took all of theirs, every single one. 
I knew I had to destroy every piece of them to the last. 
And so I did
I killed the mothers.
I killed the daughters. 
I killed their sons and fathers. 
I even killed their fucking dogs.  I
I could have nothing less than their total obliteration. 
They took everything I had. 
Everything I was. 
So I took them out of the history books. 
Hah.  If there is even anyone left out there keeping track.
I took the “innocent” ones, the ones whose only crime was being touched by his love.  I had to prove to him that I would settle nothing less.  That I’d burn everything they had to the ground and watch until the last glowing embers died out. 
So I could be sure they were gone forever. 
Until that day, I’d never hurt anything unless it got in my way, and even then I would give it a chance to get the fuck out of it. 
Them? 
I didn’t give a single chance. 
Just like she didn’t have one. 
It’s only fair. 
The only thing she did was give her best and love me just as much as I loved her.  The purity of it was what made them sick, it made him sick.  And if they couldn’t palate it, no one could. 
So with the same destructive resolve I turned their hate back in on them.
What came out though, was so much worse that what they did, so much darker than their intentions. 
I became the monster that lived inside of them, and when they saw the terrifying thing in my eyes, they knew the coming death would be a desirable escape from the horror in front of them.  Some got to go quickly, mostly because I didn’t have time to waste. 
But when it was his turn, I took my time. I wanted him to feel every nuance of the consequence.  People used to say it’s dangerous to take power away from a man.  That he’ll do anything to get it back.  For me, she was my strength, she gave me the power not to become what they turned me into. 
With her gone there is nothing left to stop me anymore. 
I have nothing to reclaim because she’s gone.
So I tore a hole in the world just as big as the one inside of myself
I made a monument of their foolish mistake. 
I didn’t question a second of it, and I didn’t care what it would mean when it was over. 
It had to be done.
Maybe I am a monster for doing it, but if I am, it is the one they made me.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Untitled - Date Unknown

If I believed in such a thing as the soul I would probably tell you how crushed it feels right now. 
I’ve felt lost before in every sense of the word but this is different.  It’s gotten so bad that every direction I go in seems like the wrong one, and every step I take feels like a march towards the end.
I’ve been expecting to see more than this, each sign of humanity I come across is quickly met with disappointments familiar face.  Like a ghost coming out to remind me how scared I should be.  Even the sway of shoulders in the distance or footsteps in the snow bear the signs of decomposition. 
That Swagger.
That calmness only the dead could enjoy.
I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve found another person, and at this point I would settle to find a snap-case who wanted to kill me just so I knew I wasn’t alone.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Goodbye - Date Unknown

I kiss her one last time.
You stupid girl.. 
Did you really think I gave a shit about something so trivial and part of a world we’ve lost forever? 
What the fuck am I supposed to do now? 


Up until this, everything has been for you and I can’t remember taking a breath that wasn’t destined to carry your name on it. 
But now. 
You leave me here with nothing but one last kiss and a promise to take with me.  I don’t think I have ever felt anything so heavy, yet somehow out of the depths of myself comes a burdened strength.
It’s not something to be proud of. 
It comes from a true weakness to do the right thing. 
Instead of being strong where it counts.
Instead of shedding the things that slow me down. 
I dig deep, and I load my back until it almost breaks. 
I tell myself all the time that I carry this because it’s a reminder of what we fight for. 
A hope of a world where we might be able to keep our promises again. 
That if I break it, I burn everything and anything she ever meant to me. 
The truth?
The truth is…
I’m not strong enough to do what I should have.
Burry it with her.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

the begining of the end- date unknown.

We’ve lost contact with Freetown.
It has been over a week since we sent out our second runner, and two before that.
The straws are getting shorter, and the idea of them sending another one of us out there is soon to become a reality. 
They’re consumed with a thirst for answers.
I can see their cracked tongues longing to feel the relief of reason.
I can see it in their eyes, the defeat looming behind a curtain of thin hopes. 
It’s the delusions that will soon come in its wake which worry me.  Alison and I know we’re going to have to leave soon, and already we’re starting to think about what we're going to need to steal.  After all, they won't be needing much.  It won’t be long until they tear it all down like the rest.  Like all the others before them, they’re breaking under the weight of all this.  It doesn’t seem to matter how high we build our walls or how good we are at hiding, the meaning of this becomes a prison and it follows us wherever we go, wherever we find shelter. 
I’m not sure what makes her and I so different.  I suppose to us it’s just obvious.  The longer we stick around, the scarier it is going to get around here.  If there is one thing we’re starting to learn, it’s that as scary as the corpses are, they could never outmatch the blackness that can live in a mans heart.  Passion is powerful, even in these times.  If you let a mans passion get behind something terrible, there is little that can stop it.  Some fights aren’t worth it, and if you’re smart enough to tell the difference, chances are you’ll live longer than most.  You could ask the people in Freetown, but I’m sure they’re all dead.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Mirror - Date Unknown

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a moment to sit in front of this book and try to speak into it. 
I've had a more than my fair share of things to say, so it hasn’t been a lack of content. 
The truth is I’ve been scared to speak my mind. 
Not scared to hear the words, but scared to even speak them, to give them life. 
The mirror is something I’ve been avoiding for a long time now, and though I can’t blame myself for being afraid of what’s waiting in it for me, I know I can’t hide from this forever.  Not if I want any of it to ever mean a goddamn thing.  I suppose that is always the scariest thought.   That after everything, all we’ve lost, given up, had taken away.  It might all be lost in vain.  It doesn’t matter what side of the line you fall on, the vain death is pointless in any language.  So we’ve been fighting for purpose, to preserve the ideas we sacrifice everything for. 
That right there is the struggle, to either hide in fears shadow, to stay quiet, or to fight and make it worth something. 
I’ve been quiet long enough.
I’ve kept a lot of the battle silent and allowed it to play out behind the scenes. 
That’s where it does its best work and the most damage. 
It isn’t something that is meant to be buried, and when you do, it will find all kinds of different ways to pop up in all the wrong places.  You can try hiding it, but you can’t kill it, at least not any way we've been able to figure out.  It always finds pieces of you to take and erode away.  For a while now its been eating away at me, but I cant let it go down this way.  Not after everything we've been through. 

Do your homework(revised) - date unknown

Everything is harder .
That’s why only the strongest ones are getting through this. 
It’s raining again and I remember how much I used to love days like these.  There's a part of me that still does, but even the rain has been tainted by it.  Despite the usual suspects like cold and wetness, now even the sound of it whispers the stories behind those bumps in the night.  With all that pitter patter, the soothing sound drowns out dangers footsteps and the sneak attack is always on my mind. All of our fronts have collapsed.  The lines have been broken and now this well coordinated defense has been overtaken by confusion.
It is impossible to keep your eyes on one thing.
Even for a second.
But you make it look so easy, and maybe that is bringing out this jealousy in me.
It hit me hard, and a ready as I've been telling myself I am, nothing can prepare you for the sneak attack.  It comes without warning, and it comes with its homework done.  The sensation is overwhelming, and they just keep hitting us in all the right places, crashing down on us like a titans wave.  There isn't even time to think between blows.
Instinct becomes incapable of coming to the rescue.
So the panic rushes in…
They do their homework.
They go straight for the heart.
That horrifying chill goes up my spine and I feel their slimy fingers grabbing a hold and squeezing for dear life.  It is in moments like these when the glimmer of hope is out of sight, the feeling of defeat and the compulsion to give up are greater than ever.  For a moment, I prepare myself for the end, for rest.  Then that glimmer comes back, it is so distant I wonder if it’s really out there or if this is just what the end looks like.

Stranger than danger - Date Unknown

The danger is coursing through me. 
I can feel it itching under my fingernails. 
In the places so deep that I freeze up knowing there is no pulling it out without destroying myself. 
Of course it’s not going to be easy.
The difficult choice means letting the danger run its course, letting myself feel every moment of its damp breath on my neck, every terrifying sensation it has to offer.  It’s true that we don’t like to let strangers into our hearts.  And though danger is no stranger, nothing feels quite stranger than being in danger. 
You can’t stop the inevitable. 
As much as I don’t believe in fate, once you have started something it is going to see itself through one way or another.  You do of course have a say in how it plays out, though perhaps not in how it ends.  You can choose to fight or let it ride.  Some things are worth the fight, and no doubt this could be one of those.  But there is a feeling so deep inside my gut that this isn’t, and maybe I should just let it ride and see where the danger decides to take me tonight. 
For better or for worse. 
I dig deep. 
I dig in the places I’ve left still for so long. 
Places I forgot about in hopes that no one could get to them, deep enough so not even I could pull them up.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

do your homework - date unknown.

It hit me hard, and a ready as I tell myself I am, nothing can prepare you for the sneak attack. It comes without warning, and it comes with its homework done. The sensation is overwhelming, and they just keep hitting us in all the right places. There isn’t even time to think between the blows, and instinct becomes incapable of coming to the rescue.
So the panic rushes in…
They do their homework.
They go straight for the heart.
That horrifying chill goes up my spine and I feel their slimy fingers grabbing a hold and squeezing for dear life. It is in moments like these when the glimmer of hope is out of sight, the feeling of defeat and the compulsion to give up are greater than ever.
For a moment, I prepare myself for the end, for rest. Then that glimmer comes back, it is so distant I wonder if it’s really there or if it’s just what the end looks like.

Truth - Date Unknown

I have a hard time using words like “believe” and “truth” with a straight face these days, because now they don’t mean anything. Everything I knew to be true has gone out the fucking window, even the big stuff but somehow I catch myself all the time slipping those words into sentences, as if they still mean something. But they don't, not anymore, and that’s how this thing has won. Survivors need solid ground to stand on, those big things that never slip up. The sun comes up every day. The world always brings you crashing to the ground.
And all of us.
Someday.
Die.
But not anymore, not after that day. Things changed and no one knows why.
I’ve heard it all and every idea is as pointless as the next. Even after all that has happened the survivors try to reason and rationalize what’s going on, and right there is the problem. This is an attack on reason.  It defies logic, conventional wisdom, and hundreds of millions of years of gut instinct. Its nature is beyond wrapping your head around because while you try, they sneek up on your busy mind and get you. So there are only two options left.
Live or die.
Survive, or let them get you while you’re busy “dealing with it”.
Hah, that’s one thing that always got me. “We’re dealing with it.” There is this compulsion in people to require a moment to indulge their emotions, but one you go down that road, you lose ground and they'll get you in no time.  I’ve seen it a hundred times before.  They take their eye off the road ahead and get sucked into that sinking sadness. It’s become a venom that puts us down so they can come collect their pray.
Like I said.
I’ve seen it a hundred times before.
I’ve heard all the arguments, heard about “the importance in understanding” but all that talk got us this far and that ain’t saying much is it?  If they didn’t have their heads up their asses, we might have had a chance. But’ instead they fought, bickered, wasted time, energy and resources on countless arguments as to the nature of it all.
But again.
Nowhere is where it’s gotten us.
To me it all seems so pointless, because the truth? Is been right in front of us this whole time, right in our hands.
My sword is my truth.
In this world where all the rules have gone out the fucking window it has never lied when I struck it in the right place. Even these abominations that go against everything we though we knew, cannot stand up to its truth. And that is why I always keep it close.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Game - Date Unknown

The point of all this up until now was to keep me on my toes.
To keep me second guessing.
It was all about throwing me off.
But like any game of catch, the ball always ends up landing in the once place you don’t want it to.
They had hoped that a big “beware of dog” sign would be enough to keep me out, keep me afraid of looking for the truth.
But they didn’t do their homework.
After all, I managed to put it together this far.
I managed to get a step ahead of them…
When you back something into a corner you can’t expect anything less than a violent last-ditch effort. And just like clockwork, the moon, or anything else you can put a sure buck on, they lashed out and tried to throw me off guard.
But it was too late for them.
I’d had my fill of it.
So I took my time.
I laid it out for them.
Where they went wrong.
Where they slipped up.
Each mistake and its devastating consequence.
I wanted to make them feel stupid.
So I took my time.

seeds - Date unknown

We used to take so much for granted until we were forced to see just how good we had it. When I think back and remember the kinds of things I “worried” about, a foul sickness pours into my stomach. I have a hard time grasping how we ever had anything to complain about.  Once something comes along and takes all of that away, there is only one thing left in your name.
Your life.
Growing up in a world with everything at your fingertips, getting used to having nothing is no easy task.
The ones who can.
Well.
They’re like me.
Here to tell you about the ones who can't.
Those who dwell in the loss dwell in a dark place. A place where they mourn and they allow whatever it is they lost to take something with it.  Something that doesn’t belong to it.
We give pieces of ourselves away like a good seed of hope.
We dream of them growing up in a place where they might really mean something. Give too much away though, and it won’t be long until you don’t even have a piece to call your own. I’ve only ever had one piece to give.  The rest I would need to get through what lay ahead. What I gave was the very best in me, and I cannot live to see it lost in vien.

The Loss - Date Unknown

It hurts in all the right ways.
A sign that things are still working and in the right places.
It has become too easy to misplace the important things, and it has become the first step towards losing ourselves in this. The pain eventually ends up where you least expect, it ends up in parts of you that weren’t meant to bear it.  These days pain is one of the few things we have left in abundance. One of the only things that reminds us of how real this is. Our dependence on feedback can be a curse, and sometimes it makes it too easy to lose yourself in the new death.
It takes something sharp to snap me out of it.
Something to remind me I’m still alive.
Something to remind me of what that even means.
The pain I can live with because I find the utility in it.
I build it into a compass, one that always stays true to a pure north.
Out here, you need that kind of direction.
Because I’ve seen good men lose their way, let the burden twist them down the road with an end I care not to share.
That’s why I never follow.
I never stray.
I never second guess.
I trust pains stinging whisper because it has never lied to me.
You can be like them and let yourself hear what you want to hear.
You can try to fool yourself.
You can let its sting strike you in the wrong place.
You can let its message be lost.
But no doubt.
You will be too.

Dead Walk - Date Unknown

It has been bad for a while now.

I haven’t seen people this scared since all this started. I find myself having a hard time stopping my knees
from shaking knowing the implications of this.
But I don’t have time for that.
I don’t have time to be like the rest.
We save that terror for the weak, the ones who let their guard down. Ever since everything changed it is hard to imagine things could get any worse. But they can always get worse and the ones who forget that. Well. They end up like the ones who find out the hard way.
What it means to walk dead.

Forgive - Date Unknown.

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

I’ve wasted more than my fair share of time thinking about all the ways this could have played out had I been brave enough. But this defeat is one I have to live with and like any companion in life, unwanted or not, you learn what you can from each other.
Or you tear each other to pieces.
There’s plenty of that going around though, so I took this chance to show the strength I couldn’t when it might have made a difference.
And I hope.
That maybe it’s not too late to salvage even a scrap of dignity out of all this.

The Cracks - Date Unknown

It’s been days since we’ve had anything to eat and the further we go the worse it seems to get. Until now we had hoped for so much more, but it doesn’t seem to matter how far we move, this terrible fucking thing follows us in all of its forms. We’ve been nursing frost bitten toes and thinking about all the good boots we left behind so long ago, kicking ourselves for thinking “they’re too heavy to carry.” The snow is bad this winter and it has barely let up for us to find food or get a decent shelter up.
I’m worried.
I’m worried about how long it could be until we come across the next camp
I’m worried even that thought in itself is no comfort.
Because people aren’t holding it together these days.
The cracks are starting to show.
It has gotten to the point where distrust is the norm and more often than not, the people around you become just as dangerous as any corpse if not worse. I’ve seen it in so many of these people’s eyes, to the point where it almost makes me sick to see how many we’ve lost.
I don’t tell Alison these things because she hasn’t been tainted by the mistrust.
She’s the beacon that keeps reminding me somewhere out there is hope for us.
For others.
Somewhere out there we can finally find peace from this. Not all of us are as blessed as her, and such hope for the future is usually scorched by a terrible vision of what this means for us all. She always tells me that we can’t be the only ones. That somewhere there are people like us and we are just “looking for each other.” As much strength as this hope has given me to tread on until now, still it doesn’t fill our bellies.
Her smile though, it’s enough to make me forget the hunger for moments in time. And for now, it’s more than enough.

Date Unknown

I don’t think about those things anymore.

On days like these it’s nothing but a useless reminder
Days when the storm creeps up on you.
The rain catches me off guard and suddenly I’m pelted by cold and wetness.
The old compulsion is to miss having a roof over my head.
Thinking about warm dry clothes to change into.
But these days.
The idea of a roof over my head.
Makes me uneasy.
Just another box for me to crawl into and wait for death to knock on the walls.
In this new world these feelings have no trouble creeping up on you.
I’ve seen them tear the strongest men to shreds.
I’ve seen it.
On their faces.
A defeated look.
A look of being forced to fear the very things we fought for, the things we miss so dearly.
I’ve seen that hopeless look, and right before it happens I cold swear they were smiling.
Right before they put the gun in their mouth.
Right before they willed themselves out.
The easy way
The coward’s way.
Instead of stories to mourn, we scramble to collect their ammo and whatever else they won’t be needing.
One less mouth to feed.
It isn’t supposed to feel this way.
The doom has soaked into everything we have left.
I don’t think about those things anymore.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Ghosts - Date Unknown

We walk like ghosts pale and unseen.
Only a dim glimmer of what we used to be.
Like the breeze, they only feel the draft of our movements, and our whispers are so faint the ones who can hear them question their sanity.
We can’t move like people because that’s what they are looking for
Instead we move like the wind, undeniable, invisible, and unquestionable.
We walk like ghosts because we are brushed off as such, and the terror of our meaning keeps their prying eyes at bay.
They hope for a useful distraction.
Anything to avoid dealing with the truth.
That we’re out there.
We’re real.
And we are something to be scared of.

Not That There Ever Has Been. - Date Unknown

There is no way out.
Not that there ever has been.
At least we used to be able to afford illusions to distract us from this truth.
But now it is right in your face, and escape has become such a long lost concept that merely mentioning the idea of it draws stares and looks of disgust.
Like bringing up some ancient sin long forgotten.
Most people do the only thing they know.
They let themselves become trapped, and all this is no exception.
I can’t blame them I suppose, it takes a lot more than most have to see through the fear. To just accept the awful truth.
That there is no way out.
Not that there ever has been.
I suppose that’s what makes us different from the rest.
We’re ok with it.
We know how little has really changed, how even after all of deaths hard work, not even his most devastating conquest could wipe the filth from us. Somehow it survived and instead of holding onto old pictures of the lost ones, we clung onto the worst of ourselves.
Maybe that’s why he left us, in defeat against the worst we had to throw at him.
Now we live in a world where even a word as powerful and universal as death has become muddled in context, lost in a sea of “what ifs.”
I live knowing that when the time comes for me, it won’t be like it’s supposed to be. That’s one of the few things that still scares me, that I might end up like one of those unlucky fucks who found out the hard way.
That there is no way out.
Not that there ever has been.

Kernel - Date Unknown

I miss you so much.
And I don’t even know why.
As important of a reminder the pain is.
A reminder of how real all this has become.
This is a pain that I still cannot find a use for, even after everything I have seen up until now. It’s one that lacks grounding in the reality of things, the kind that lives off the stinking breath of a lair’s twisted web.
Maybe I miss you so much, because I miss that piece of myself.
The part that doesn’t belong to me anymore.
Now, I’m not one to waste time regretting the choices I’ve made, because there’s never been any point in shedding weight over the impossible… But… I still can’t help thinking about how impossible a use for this could be.
I’ve carried you so far and I’ve been doing it for what seems like so long now that I’ve forgotten the purpose in it. Like some old forgotten tradition clenched in the cold fists of sentiment. Crumpled up and unrecognizable to its origins.
The history?
The story?
It’s lost on me, on us all.
Because there’s no such thing as purpose left, it has become just another useless reminder of the things that don’t matter anymore.
Yet somehow.
Compulsion seems to always get the best of us, and perhaps that’s why I’m so laden with thoughts of how things used to be.
How we used to be…
I’ve never regretted giving you everything that I have to give, and never once have I cursed the weight I keep on my shoulders tightly wrapped up in your name. A promise is a promise after all, and I keep telling myself that they are the last things we have left these days. One of the few things they can’t take away from us.
Even in death, a promise is kept. As long as you’re willing to die keeping it. But for me, the promise is to run like death is always on my heels. To hide like the cowards buying themselves a few more moments of a life in terror. And no matter what, to keep this safe inside of the one thing I know death can’t get his hands on.
Me…

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Choices - Date Unknown

It’s a bad cut….
The bleeding is heavy and I can already feel shock & terror crawling up my spine and down my throat. I know that I don’t have a whole lot of time before I lose it, so the next few seconds are absolutely crucial.

I can either let all the blood, fear, and doom shock me just long enough for it to be too late. Or I can sprint into action, I can get a hold of myself and try to stop the bleeding.

Life is too easy to let go of.

Times come and go where we are often too willing to just give it all up for a moments rest from the pain. Letting it all go so we can just rest our eyes and our minds and hide under the comfy blanket of death. Giving up on life, that’s easy, but making the choice to fight, taking a chance on life, that is a much harder thing to do. To choose life, take a stand, and fight for the gift.

I have seen many of my brothers and sisters lie down in the mud and wait for the inevitable end to come, the ones that lost all hope for anything but an end to all of this. But I have also seen the few who survive, who strive for something once thought so impossible, to live forever, to take life on as the tool that it is and be the change that you need to see. To live the life that makes the kind of change that never dies, even when you finally do. This isn't an easy task, and it is no wonder why so few of us chose to take on such a seemingly impossible calling. But the few that do, they find themselves in the fight of their lives, and it is a battle that never gives up, never ends.

Those that chose that path, they are warriors, they thirst for the heat of the battle, the challenge of adversity, and it is only in the deepest throws of this fight that they feel what it is we all want to feel, a sense of purpose that gives us meaningfulness, the feeling of being alive. They are the ones who refuse to go gentle into that good night.

But just like any battle, it takes its toll, it wears you down, and no one is supposed to fight forever, despite the fact so many of us will. So you have to choose wisely, strike mindfully, and know when to walk away from a fight. Like any other battlefield, you are bound to come across some fallen, the ones that just never made it, and it is not unheard of to come across the bones of the ones you loved.

Not everyone has the strength for this, or maybe they just never believed enough that they had it. Nothing makes it easier to see the ones that give up. But unlike most, when we see one of our own fall in battle, it is a glorious sight, a tribute to their dedication and a paid price that promises them the peace they fought for. Their corpses are nothing but motivation for us to try to be as lucky. It’s coming across the other ones that takes the fight out of us. The ones that give up, the ones who could not bring themselves to fight, their loss is a heavy weight on or swords.

Some find comfort in calling them cowards, others carry the weight of the world on their shoulders wishing they could have saved them.
People like me, we find no comfort or regret in it. Because if we take even a moment to stop, the fight could turn on us and their fate will be ours in no time.

There is no time to think twice here, it is as it is, and you do what you can to reconcile that with your gut at the end of the day. They haven’t been letting up for a second, not in all this time, and neither can we. So we march on, we take the good and leave the bad where it belongs, we keep up the good fight.

So you can sit there, you can let yourself bleed, let panic, shock, and fear take their hold. You can go lie down with the other ones that couldn’t keep up the fight.
Or, you can grab something, push down hard and get that bleed under control, you can get a hold of yourself and catch that fear at the door. We all get hurt out here, some worse than others, but as much as luck of the draw has a say in the game, you always get the last word, so you can take what comes your way and deal, or you can let it bleed you out. You are the one who is going to decide how this turns out, and we have come too far now to just let them win.

Now I am not going to lie to you, it is a bad cut, it is deep, and in a really bad spot and if we don’t take care of it right now, it is going to get a whole lot worse fast. The bleed is bad, we have lost a lot, and that means we don’t have every much time to either get this under control, or go lie down and wait to join the others

I said I wasn’t going to lie to you, and by telling you this, I am keeping that promise, I have seen a lot worse out here, and I have seen guys get back to it in no time. But they, they were strong, and now that time has come, to ask yourself if you can have that strength in you, if you can choose life, choose to fight, or let the fear get the best of you.
I don’t know about you, but I’m choosing life, the fight, and all the pains that come with it, because nothing beautiful and good came easy, and the time has come to make your choice.